Medic Goes Crazy
by Lalicure
Summary: No, this isn't a mad scientist fic. This is Medic, in old age, losing his marbles.


Before he placed his hand in his pocket and walked off, Medic locked the door and then double-locked it for extra security. Scout, who had been walking past and just happened to stop and see what happened, halted Medic in his tracks.

"Woah, woah, woah. What was that?"  
"I locked zhe door." Explained Medic, "Then I double-locked zhe door."  
Scout stared blankly.  
"For extra security," said the German with a forced smile.  
"Nonononahno. You locked the door... Then unlocked it."  
Medic ran a hand through his dark hair, ready to start defending his point when Scout proved he was right by simply tapping the door handle. And open it came.

Medic's jaw dropped. Scout pointed at it, the German slowly noticed and then nodded indignantly.

A burst of laughter came from Scout.  
"Yo Cyclops, didja hear that? He tried to double lock the door!"  
The Scottish man let out a cackle.  
"Oi, maybe we better lock it five times, just to make sure no one ever gets in!

Soldier, who had just walked in, had overheard enough of the conversation to join in immediately.  
"Maybe even twenty times!"  
"Take forever to undo," Demoman added quickly.  
"Yeah but no one would ever get in!"  
Taking a breath between laughs, Scout happened to look at Medic. He was scowling.

"This isn't a joke to you, is it?"  
Medic just shook his head.  
"Maybe we better get you to a home?" Demoman suggested and Soldier sighed.  
"You did try to eat a plastic grape the other day."  
Medic caught himself with a dropped jaw again. The memory escaped him completely.

Although it was a bit out of character on for him, Scout stroked Medic's arm in a caring manner.  
"We'll take care of you, Doc."

* * *

As the four walked in to the nursing home and were just about to be greeted by the lady who would show them about, a man was playing with a door on the far side of the room.  
"Probably trying to double-lock it," Scout said. And even though Medic didn't find it particularly funny, that didn't stop Demoman and Soldier from having a good chuckle over it.

The woman smiled when Medic realised he'd actually been looking at her legs for a while and looked up at her face.

"The first thing I'd like to say is that some other residents here have illnesses-"  
Trying to sound important, Soldier cut in with a question.  
"What kind of illnesses?"  
"Well, cancer-"  
Jokingly, Demoman inquired even further.  
"What kinds of cancer?"  
"Well," said the woman, fingering her opal pendant. "One woman here has breast cancer-"  
"Oh my God," came from Scout. "Like in Angry Boys! 'I still love ya, baby... Even if ya got one titty'."  
Scout tried to mask his laughter behind his hand as Demoman and Soldier watched on disapprovingly. He just took it too far.

Medic cleared his throat. The woman raised her eyebrows.  
"First, the are we're currently standing in is the day area. If you'll just follow me-" she walked down the hall, opening a curtain as she went and followed by Scout, Demoman, Soldier, and the increasingly elderly Medic, until they eventually came to a room with tables. "-This is the dining room."

Medic leaned on the wall grumpily and saw the hair of an old man lit up by the sunlight that came out the side of the curtain, directly onto his tan, almost bald head. The man scooped his porridge out of his dark green bowl and into his mouth.

They again stopped at this point because in a way that at first seemed a little eerie, Scout began speaking again.  
"I still love ya, baby..."  
And once again the older two stared on disapprovingly as their younger laughed.

Smilingly the woman pointed to a far room that no-one had noticed up until that point.  
"And through there is where you can get coffees."  
Walking past a conspicuous sign, the woman decided she might as well point it out.  
"There's the bathroom."

They entered a room with two lounge chairs occupied by senior citizens and two staff members, bustling about to supposedly get the residents drinks or what have you.

"Johnny wants his milk," the old man in the chair said charmingly.  
"I'm gonna steal Johnny's milk," his designated staff member said, and mind you, she was only joking.  
"HEY NOW YOU GET FUCKED," roared Johnny.  
Medic started laughing right away, along with Demoman, Scout and Soldier.  
"I like him!"  
The woman gave a short chuckle.  
"Good! You'll be seeing a bit of him."

Soldier looked at his watch.  
"We'd better be going. Scout's got an eBay auction to win."  
Scout's face lit up at the word 'eBay', but then his face grew dark and he shook his head.  
"It's gone now," he said darkly, almost on the verge of laughing.

The three of them said goodbye to Medic and left.

* * *

A few days later, Medic woke in a daze to receive his first phone call. He picked it up and spoke in a rather callous manner, "Yes? Huh? Vhat is it?"  
What really woke him was how loud Scout was crying. Medic took the phone away and looked at it as if it were from another planet. He still heard what Scout shouted next though.  
"It got sent to the glue factory! My pony!"

* * *

On the other side of the phone Scout hung up. He stood and thought for a minute.  
"I believe in the power of my titties!"  
And then he got up and started crumping hardcore.


End file.
